Tuesday, September 22, 2009
its always has been like this ...
its always has been like this ....... i am always the one at fault ,the one who always has to suck up to whatever my brother does .... X it ........ i hate it ........ he always say i am dumb ,stupid ,ignorant idoit or bastard ...... what is wrong man .... am i that a sore eye ?
For him to do something wrong nobody gives a fuck care and when i do something or force my way through something i conclude to myself its right , i always get fucked by him : Ben you are really an idoit , you are stupid , stupid ,ignorant idoit . What the X ... am i not a human ?am i wrong to do what i believe is right for me ? Or is it because you, from express are always correct all the time that i must get X by you just because of what i did .
So what if i fought for my laptop with mother for that am i wrong? i have strongly proven to here that ,that is what i really wanted and craved for a long time and i am tired of waiting for a new computer . no point fighting ,no point even trying to reason cause why it still will end up as i always the one in the wrong .
Should anything happen the fingers first are pointed at me .Every single day........it makes you feel like a total mistake in life you shouldnt even have been born . you shouldnt even been my brother , i should have been her son , i should even be part of the lee family ... my heart is breaking down ,i am self destructing with each time i put on a cold reaction bottleling up all my feelings to only myself and only me .
And when i am all alone i would curl up like a ball and just sit in that one corner not speaking to anyone or doing anything just sitting there to stay safe and comfort myself i am not a mistake or am i wrong i did it cause i felt that its right end of story. I would repeat it over and over again until the feeling dies out ,resulting a lost of reaction and emotion .
Friends are more than what you thing is another being that talks,play,teach ,eat with you . For me i feel most comfort with my friends as with them around my worries about the family is gone as it doesnt exsist in the particular moment which somewhat relieve me of my stress .Daily laughter with friend is a habit for me i guess , i dont like my friend to feel what i am feeling neither do i want to see that so bored and tired or upset so that is where i start making jokes or say a figureative speech such like "thats what you call shocking " etc....
Compare my family to my friend i would say i can sacrifice any amount of time or help i can give just to give em a hand than compared to my family ..... my family is not one that is much to talk about or a bonded family or such etc .. its a broken down family , the house its just like a hotel , you check in when you want you book out when you want.There is no sense of bonding in the house .Each only wanting to live their own life making their lifes convinent to themselves and to themselves only.Which human is not that self centered? You have your own life to run what in the world would do you need to bother that much into life of others ?
Labels: This is part of my life .....
Posted by ben at 10:32 AM
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Its one hell of a weird day
woke up at 5.45 am today just to buy some chocolates for mom's friend ,came home put chocolate in fridge and collespe on bed and doze into lala land.... for like dont know what reason i feel tired but the will of getting up is there so ya got up lor... on my laptop ,stone infront of the computer until 6.45am go bath and off to school........today was kinda relaxing as after english totally filled with 3 periods free ............... at recess ........ i tried to paying lesser attention to thy but still its kinda hard to but ya i am trying ...... feels kinda funny and weird i guesss i this is one of those emotions i dont know how to react to due to lost of emotions?headed home after eating during chinese period ...... damn i forgot to take my pe shirt damit =.= messaged jian rong to help me take he replied and woke me up from bed i replied and went back to sleep .Waking up around 6-7pm,i gave him a call asking if he helped me ..... his replied totally left me infrurated .... i just got out of school... wtf you cant go back and help me get it is it? you no brains ar ? totally unreliable and man totally too rigid in your thinking la ... you can just go back up help me get is it ? it will killl you ar?His questioned me then you leh ? i reached home liao ........ so really man i so fustrated man ....STUPID STUPID STUPID ........ arghhhhhhhhhhhh ....... forget it ......... i though you were reliable but i guess you are so not man ...... from now onwards i am so not gonna depend on you man ........ Labels: stone is a stone ....
Posted by ben at 9:58 AM
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
ang kat balls man lol
Dont ask why i put that as the title i dont know lol . just felt like it.totally boring day in school got fucked up at maths class getting fucked for talking in a mock exam when we finished and handled up the paper . Great.....how nice can the day get?boring day totally sucked and moodswinged abit and went back to normal after awhile ...... bo steam liao....hiaz life is sad ........After school go eat with bryan koh and the rest,went to mac first then changed to kfc then eat . Eat le go home chill chill awhile then went to go kill abit of guys ya.... totally fustrating in the first few rounds damit stupid food =.= ass run away when i need help wtf man.... nvm that ....after that headed to school did literature homework hmmm maybe still abit lost at literature ....oh oh that means i needa buck up alot more now as my days are numbered..... hopefully dont get screwed by mrs bryant tml zzzz......... now sorting some things out .... conclusion is that i cant fool around for the time being i guess lol too risky ........hiaaz olivier if you see this next time we go out slack screw and curse the whole world lol ..... for fun no harm Labels: Its sorted out ?
Posted by ben at 8:23 AM
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
its a start of a movement
hurray got a laptop. finally after such a long time i got a personal com .my N'level have covered english and social studies .English kinda worries me,i think i might have dragged a bit too long before getting to the real points "promises" i wrote about 7 promises to my dog .A total copy from 10 promises to my dog just that it is summarised and cut shorted .
social studies went pretty well for the section A i got a really good feeling about it as i really put in alot of effort and didnt had that much sleep though still i managed to pull through.Section B ..... i can infer from my answers i screwed up really badly .the evidence is found in my own guts as i have a somewhat bad feeling about it.
o well whats done is done what to do? take it as i did badly for english which is getting a c 5 so minusing from 19 ,5 is 14 i have 14 points to juggel the other 4 subjects . hopefully i manange to pull through.I will now push my limits up and further .i shall not count on luck much but more on skill . as with out mastering most subjects i am screwed for the next year . i just pray thy shall make it through this critical crisis .Labels: Towards the end of the 2nd last lap
Posted by ben at 8:00 AM