Friday, January 20, 2012

What the naked eyes cant see.

Sometimes what the naked eyes cant see counts . I seem that i always don't listen & i don't pay attention. Yes its true i don't attention to you , it may seem rude i know i apologize to you .But as you are speaking your heart and problems to me, my brain is trying to think of a best solution i can give to you . Its always because of this you are angry at me i understand when i tell you i do listen and tell you whatever you said earlier on back to you , you say i am not listening as i missed out a few key points . i am sorry again for that. i am already trying my best . i am working on it .It doesn't all seem like it but i am doing it .

You can say i love you to be sarcastic to you and give you grins and smurks.You will always think i am laughing at you and mocking at you . You will say i despise your friends and so on . Yes to a certain extend i will admit i do despise some friends of yours.I am truly sorry to love someone like me is that tough.


I will never be the best guy on earth but i will one that will try my best to avert you and change you into a better and classier person that i can see you can be. Yes true its to most to my liking . But i swear should you leave me one day people will judge you as a person with quality and talent.( you are attractive, i already know , you once told me you can just leave me and the next day you are attached . But this is just a add on package to you now, to go through this hardship and gain more refining it all up to you).

I am jealous but i wont show it no more for if i show it to you it will be history repeating over and over again . So i learnt how to compromise and work sometime out just so you can benefit and enjoy that one happy life and thing you want . your freedom. i am possessive, yes its true . Because for the one fact you are wild i understand. But that doesn't mean that i am stopping you from making friends and going out with them its just that i don't like that way that you are that close and happy with them . While looking at us, you look like you are living in hell,i don't give you happiness, i don't try to provide for you, i don't care for you. It hurts i am telling you it really hurts me alot. People say you should never bite the finger that feeds you. It true cause when you do its like tell that person you shouldn't bother with my life i don't need you at all. You are some a burden, bother and pest everything also must Report to me .


(i know i should say this so this will be written in black weather or not you choose to read it is up to you once you read it theres no turning back )

I know it, i just don't say. Why cause i know by saying all this it will affect you and me r/s and i don't wish that to happen cause from deep down in my hearts and through my guts i really did loved you . Until i lost the faith and trust that day you when down to Zhi wen house to eaten dinner when i insist you not to . End up you cried you felt controlled and suffering all over like you are being tied down with stainless steel chains to a stone wall. suffocating . This is what you feel inside. tell me how will you feel if i went to a girl's house for dinner just like that ? you may say orh like that lor . but truly will i ever do that heartless thing to you ?i know i can tell you dont need to tell me i know. Best of all you do not feel guilty at all. It broke my heart into two i felt shattered, panic or losing you , got depressed , confused , lost of mind , speechless , emotionless , numb, dead, zombie.Besides that the day i bummed into you and him at ave 8 at his block it was another heart breaking day. Why were even at his house? why didn't you even told me ? why why why? i know you don't like the word why .But its through this things that i need a urgent reason to assure myself my position as your lover not as a 3rd party.You didn't even wanted to reply me and meet me to talk instead you when to his house once more and this time i was around. i was fucking shaken till my heart dropped to my feet as how you prioritize him more than me and what he was wearing and what you were wearing was some what fitting for the same occasion and i assumed. Weather or not i was right i didn't care. What i cared was it was raining yes, he flagged a cab yes, we were talking and he just grabbed you by the hand as if he was your boyfriend straight into a cab. There is no form of respect in this motherfucker(zhi wen) . To you, yes its just a conversation , but to me its a make up conversation, And finally to HIM TO BREAK our communication that will lead to a break up. Yes all of this is what i think. to whom you believe go ahead. i just have to assure myself nothing happen its alright with those texts you sent me that you were going to ikea to find your mother and so on. But to how true it may be i will never know i just have to put trust in you. That day shook my body so hard i could barely stand. i was breathless , speechless and in alot of confusion and paniced.

It then appeared to me that we were about to be over. i guessed from instinct and tried my best to win you in every way back but things just took downhill snowball movement.What i though was the best and good for you was all bad from what you see.Not long after you broke up with me . and i was right i was about to happen. Desperate to get you back i didnt give up , i tried again and again fighting the fate i refused to give in which proved none except to avail.

Months past and we weren't any better. i tried harder and soon i died. my heart died . soul died. the sparkle that my eye had died. All was lost i had lost the war against that motherfucker. Even if he couldnt get you , he managed to destroy us , probably hes happy in my point of view .

I am speechless , the amount of pain i feel was describable . the level of sadness could reach the universe . i had a hard time living . it was like hell on earth just that i was soulless body doing an everyday routine . passing each day like that . i didn't had the spirit , courage and bear to move on . for the sick i loved you so much i will even die if you just say the word. what more do you want? How much is enough ? Am i really not that qualified for you ? Do i really treat you that badly ? Do you think i pull you through alot of hell? Do i really weight you down? Did i really managed to stop you from falling ?Am i that not much of a lover and heartless to you?Is that really what you see me as?

compare me to the past and now . i am more precautions as i am afraid to feel that pain once more so i dont step in too deep for when you like it you leave me i will not revert back to as i was when you left me.

This is not all . it doesn't end here . But this are some problems that you can never see or hear for this is whats that is running through my brain and head. you will never get a chance to receive it until now when you finally feel like talking and i spell out things straight in your face.i know it is mean and so on but yes i have to do it for your better understanding of me and i need you to understand for that way you will know . and i hope this improves our r/s not damages it .

i am now trying my best to love you once again. i really do mean it. i love you jia yu



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Posted by ben at 3:54 PM