Tuesday, September 22, 2009
its always has been like this ...
its always has been like this ....... i am always the one at fault ,the one who always has to suck up to whatever my brother does .... X it ........ i hate it ........ he always say i am dumb ,stupid ,ignorant idoit or bastard ...... what is wrong man .... am i that a sore eye ?
For him to do something wrong nobody gives a fuck care and when i do something or force my way through something i conclude to myself its right , i always get fucked by him : Ben you are really an idoit , you are stupid , stupid ,ignorant idoit . What the X ... am i not a human ?am i wrong to do what i believe is right for me ? Or is it because you, from express are always correct all the time that i must get X by you just because of what i did .
So what if i fought for my laptop with mother for that am i wrong? i have strongly proven to here that ,that is what i really wanted and craved for a long time and i am tired of waiting for a new computer . no point fighting ,no point even trying to reason cause why it still will end up as i always the one in the wrong .
Should anything happen the fingers first are pointed at me .Every single day........it makes you feel like a total mistake in life you shouldnt even have been born . you shouldnt even been my brother , i should have been her son , i should even be part of the lee family ... my heart is breaking down ,i am self destructing with each time i put on a cold reaction bottleling up all my feelings to only myself and only me .
And when i am all alone i would curl up like a ball and just sit in that one corner not speaking to anyone or doing anything just sitting there to stay safe and comfort myself i am not a mistake or am i wrong i did it cause i felt that its right end of story. I would repeat it over and over again until the feeling dies out ,resulting a lost of reaction and emotion .
Friends are more than what you thing is another being that talks,play,teach ,eat with you . For me i feel most comfort with my friends as with them around my worries about the family is gone as it doesnt exsist in the particular moment which somewhat relieve me of my stress .Daily laughter with friend is a habit for me i guess , i dont like my friend to feel what i am feeling neither do i want to see that so bored and tired or upset so that is where i start making jokes or say a figureative speech such like "thats what you call shocking " etc....
Compare my family to my friend i would say i can sacrifice any amount of time or help i can give just to give em a hand than compared to my family ..... my family is not one that is much to talk about or a bonded family or such etc .. its a broken down family , the house its just like a hotel , you check in when you want you book out when you want.There is no sense of bonding in the house .Each only wanting to live their own life making their lifes convinent to themselves and to themselves only.Which human is not that self centered? You have your own life to run what in the world would do you need to bother that much into life of others ?
Labels: This is part of my life .....
Posted by ben at 10:32 AM